


Secret and Unexpected life of an Idol

by ShadowFairy



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, non-romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 23:02:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11300658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowFairy/pseuds/ShadowFairy
Summary: Things aren't as people sees them. The smiles, the happiness and everything could one day break apart. A story of how Wonwoo broke apart.





	Secret and Unexpected life of an Idol

**Author's Note:**

> I should honestly and earnestly stop writing about Wonwoo but he makes me soft and I cannot stop myself from doing it. 
> 
> This story is about depression, and by any means I want any of the Seventeen members to go through that. No, I don't want it. Yet I would like to some fans to see how hard could it be. Since some don't believe or don't want to understand that health issues are a thing for idols. So I want everyone to respect everyone.
> 
> I want to say that I just have been in a few session with a psychologist to I can be a quite inaccurate but I wanted to Wonwoo explain everything to someone foreign from everything.
> 
> I really hop you can like this little baby of mine.
> 
> A friend helped me with the beta reading but told me a bit was weird and confusing, I couldn't find it but if you can point it, it would be awesome for me and fix it.

Wonwoo stood under the sunlight. He closed his eyes feeling breeze hitting his face. The feel was surreal and as he kept standing under the sun, his head started to hurt, slowly at first. A pain that came all around the crown then it started to palpitate but the pain was bearable, as much as it came, day by day, no matter if he was under the sun or not. It came to him like a friend and he got tired, making him welcome it, every day. As he was standing, waiting to buy something to eat, even when he just woke up from his bed to greet another day. Wonwoo had welcomed that pain as an old friend because at the back of his heart, of his mind. At the core of his own self, he thought, it was his sole friend. As if he had anything. Not even one particle of companionship. It pierced him, his body, every pore. It pierced his heart but not in a clean manner. It was stabbed with an old knife, not sharp at all. It felt like stuck on the skin, on the muscles and slowly, harshly and painfully going into his core. The feeling made him jump and almost gasp, tears welling at the corner of his eyes. Suddenly the wind felt cold and it hurt him. Like splitting his skin apart.

"Are you okay?" He heard and turned, plastering a smile on his lips. It was easy and it looked honest -or at least he thought that- as he didn't seemed bothered by the smile. He met Jun's eyes easily and he wasn't looking to anything but to know the man, to see the light he was missing.

"Yeah," Wonwoo answered softly, his voice wavering almost breaking, it was easy to look fine but he felt like his voice wasn't as cooperating as his face.

"For a second, you looked sad," Jun said, slowly, almost as if it was a secret that shouldn't be shared. Wonwoo snorted, pulling a soft smirk and Jun chuckled. "Silly, isn't it?" Jun said smiling.

He didn't break, his lip almost upturned of course, he felt his smirk wavering, his upper lip trembling and his eyes burned with the contained tears he wouldn't shed. Not silly, sad. He bit the skin inside his lower lip trying to keep his smile. To keep it soft and calming.

It came so easy, it felt surreal. "A little bit," Wonwoo answered smiling, brightly as he walked away from his little comfort zone. He smiled but his eyes were gleaming with the unshed tears. Jun turned and walked in front of him, slowly and carefully stepping on the dry grass. When Wonwoo met Jun's back the smile disappeared, being pulled downwards. His cheeks hurting from the effort and the corners of his lips weighing him down, like a sad clown. He tried his best to listen what Jun was saying but the words came into his ears like muffled sounds. Jun was getting away, his head felt dizzy and saw Jun turning around to see him.

"You're right," Wonwoo felt himself saying, looking at Jun's widened smile and he smiled at him. A heavy feel came to his body.

"I know," Jun said happily and kept walking, almost jumping at every step and Wonwoo lets a soft, delicate laugh get out of his lips. It was honest, out of his heart but it soon disappeared, leaving him with an empty feeling on his chest. He missed the lightness of happiness, how it made him feel big and amazing and so himself.

They came with the others, Jun was still chattering a little more until he came to the others. He clung to Soonyoung's back, almost making the younger boy to fall. Jihoon groaned loudly as Soonyoung almost fell over him and mostly because he had been interrupted in his talking. Jun waved a hand and left Soonyoung to hug Jihoon. Wonwoo turned to see Seungkwan laughing loudly as Hansol shook his head as they watched Jihoon screaming in agony as Jun hugged him. He saw them laugh, being happy and he felt out of it.

He didn't felt like he was a part out of it.

Mingyu pushed him and that made him go back to the present, to feel like he existed in the same place, the same universe. He saw Mingyu helping Jun on hugging Jihoon and trying to kiss his cheeks. The boy groaned out loud but Wonwoo could see a smile,  faint but honest and charming. So his, so full of the moment. Enjoying himself despite the complaints. Seungcheol stopped all playing when Mingyu landed another successful kiss on Jihoon’s cheek. Jihoon giggled and all stopped but their smiles were plastered on their faces as they rode inside the vans. Wonwoo didn't know if they were all aware of them or if he was smiling too. It didn't felt like it, he doubts he was doing it so he forced his lips upwards and tried to look as if he had been laughing for a while. It was hard but he tried his best and no one got to notice. Breaking him even more.

It was a heavy feeling in his chest. He was unaware if he could actually show himself. What would they think? It was scary, the faces they could all make, all they could think and he didn't want to face that but it was hard to live with twelve people and pretend everything is fine, that it's not hard to wake up in the morning because every day you greet becomes a burden, becomes sad and tiresome from the moment you open your eyes. He wasn't doubting the others felt the same, tiresomeness from their smiles, from the dancing, rehearsing, faking well-being and happiness in front of the fans but Wonwoo was faking all of that since the moment he got out of the bed. Laughing at silly jokes, saying everything was fine and crying in the shower, where the tears were mixed with water and nobody would notice, he cleaned his face harshly until he was sure, no one could see the tears that had been shed in just the feeling of need. It was nothing, he just needed to cry and never stop. And never feel anything again.

They went to the hotel in the middle of silly jokes and a noisy end, the sun was setting and Wonwoo looked how the sky changed its colors. For a moment Wonwoo forgot what was on his chest, he felt lighter as he admired the view and soon enough he fell asleep in between the noise and before everyone else.

They went out because of the photoshoot for their new album. It started with some photographs on the beach and some other nice places. Ending the photo shoot in a park, surrounded by a green scenery and flowers. They weren't asked to act or pose most of the time, just to be themselves and Wonwoo was as calm as he could and as they day passed, when he was there with air hitting his face and not thinking too much he felt free, joyful but when it was called to an end, he could feel the world squishing him into the ground. Wonwoo wasn't always like that. There was a time in the past when everything was nice, he was silly and the world seemed nice and not too big to made him feel tiny and unimportant. He didn't know when it began. It could be the pressure to debut, the years there on that green room making his way into his head. It could be also being interrupted most of the times in interviews on in shows but it was also his fault for speaking too low and Seungkwan being loud and seeking for attention. He didn't want that so he let it be but at some point everything was different, he felt hurt whenever the other didn't let him finish a sentence or they laughed at him for whatever reason it was. Wonwoo thought it was just stress but it became something else and it wasn't nice for him.

Wonwoo was sharing the room with Seokmin but the boy ignored Wonwoo, calling Mingyu or Minghao, the youngest always hung up the call and Seokmin whined.

"I'm gonna go with Minghao," Seokmin announced, interrupting Wonwoo's reading. The older watched him and nodded, placing his eyes again on his book until he heard the door closing. He closed the book and stared at the wall with nothing in his mind and nothing on his chest. For a few minutes, he became an empty shell. Wonwoo came back to the reality when he heard a knock on the door and he stood up to open.

"Hey," Jihoon waved shyly but pushed Wonwoo aside to get inside the room. "Seokmin invited Mingyu alongside and they almost threw a party in the room," Jihoon complained. "I want to sleep," he said and fell into the bed like a dead weight.

"I don't want Mingyu knocking at the door at three in the morning," Wonwoo said and sat on the bed taking the book but feeling too tired for it.

"I told him I wanted to sleep," Jihoon said sitting on Seokmin's bed, looking at Wonwoo there, staring at the book on his hands. "Are you okay?" He asked making Wonwoo turn to see him.

"Yes," Wonwoo answered too fast of their liking and Jihoon frowned staring at him, Wonwoo smiled slowly, shyly.

"Sure?"

"Of course," Wonwoo answered standing up. "I'm gonna get a bath," he announced as he walked to take some clothing from his suitcase and walked to the bathroom, Jihoon didn't take an eye from him.

"I hope," Jihoon said slowly when Wonwoo was about to pass the door frame. He stopped and turned his head to see Jihoon, sitting at the edge of the bed, holding it harshly, looking at the floor for a brief moment before he moved his head to see Wonwoo, to stare him into the eyes and Wonwoo felt a wave of goosebumps going to his body. "I hope that if you feel bad, in any way it is," Jihoon said slowly and closed his eyes. "Please tell us," Jihoon said, his voice shaking. "I wish you can tell us if anything is wrong," Jihoon pleaded and Wonwoo moved to see the inside of the bathroom.

"Like you once did," Wonwoo said mockingly and without even intended to, he smirked. "As you keep doing it," he finished and walked inside, watching on the corner of his eye how he stood up, crying, silently but he couldn't say anything against the bitter truth.

Wonwoo cried as he noticed how sad and angry his words came to be, he opened the faucet and undressed. The tub was midway filled but he got inside, hugging his legs and crying. Feeling the water against to his body. He closed the faucet and stared at the ceiling. The time became unclear.

Wonwoo was standing, no breeze, no sound and he suddenly could see Jihoon standing in front of him, staring back at him. It was a sixteen-year-old Jihoon, he knew it by the color of his face and how his face was smaller but it looked more mature than the nineteen-year-old Jihoon. The now softer and happier Jihoon. He stared at Jihoon and the younger's eyes kept looking sad but they started to plead. His face was screaming for help and when Wonwoo moved he saw the pen in Jihoon's hand. Back in the time, it meant nothing. I was just a pen. Blood.

Blood was dripping, Jihoon knuckles went blank as he gripped the pen. Jihoon opened his mouth and Wonwoo heard him scream. The same way he had screamed that night and cried.

A knock.

"Jihoon," Wonwoo whispered. The scream became louder and Wonwoo started to cry. "Stop please," he mumbled as he closed his eyes.

A loud thud.

"Let me die," Jihoon cried making Wonwoo open his eyes, breathing heavily.

The door opened with a loud crack and he looked at Seungcheol. Jihoon was standing behind him, taking the older's shirt like a scared kid. Wonwoo stared at them absentmindedly, just a second before he started to feel annoyed, standing. His legs shook, barely keeping him in place and Seungcheol moved to catch him.

"You were there for almost three hours," Jihoon said panting, fear to take all the air from his lungs. Wonwoo blushed at the realization he was naked in front of them but he didn't cover himself, he just stared at Jihoon. At the fear drawn on his eyes but not the pleading, not the helplessness he had just woke up from.

"I'm sorry," Wonwoo mumbled. Jihoon moved from his spot and took the towel to start drying Wonwoo's body and Seungcheol carried him to the bed. He was still naked but no one made a comment about it.

"Are you okay?" Seungcheol asked as he placed him on the bed. Wonwoo smiled, almost bitterly.

"I am," Wonwoo answered and closed his eyes. "I fell asleep, don't worry," Wonwoo said. Jihoon threw the clothing on his stomach and Wonwoo moved to get dressed. "Everything is okay." He reassured as he sat on the edge of the bed pulling up his underwear and placed the shirt only before he got under the blankets. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," he whispered and Seungcheol moved to sit beside him.

"We wouldn't be scared if you tell us what's on your mind," Seungcheol said slowly. "I don't want to repeat the same mistakes," he finished and Wonwoo nodded, moving his hand to take Seungcheol's.

"You won't," Wonwoo said reassuringly but hold back the last words he was about to say, 'it wasn't your fault'. Seungcheol smiled and stood up, walking towards Jihoon and whispering something in his ear and left the room without saying anything else not even waving a goodbye. Jihoon groaned.

"We'll pay for the door," Jihoon said as he lied on the bed and stared the ceiling.

"I'm sorry," Wonwoo mumbled. "I just fell asleep but I didn't even notice I was sleepy."

"I see myself in you," Jihoon said and Wonwoo looked at him. "Before the medication, before the pills," Jihoon whispered but Wonwoo was able to hear him, the pain and fear drew on his voice, the little tremble at the memory. "I don't want the same for you," Jihoon said and looked at Wonwoo. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Wonwoo started to tap the bed beside him, an invitation that Jihoon didn't ignore, he moved to lie beside Wonwoo and both turned to hug. Jihoon hid his face on Wonwoo's chest and pressed himself against him. "It was a close call," Jihoon mumbled against the shirt, staining it a little with saliva. "I don't want that for you, for anyone," Jihoon said and moved his face to see Wonwoo staring at him intensely. "I don't want to see you in pain as I was, I don't want you to feel as I felt but surely I don't want you to keep dealing with this if you don't want to." Jihoon moved again to hid his face on Wonwoo's chest and pressed his body strongly against the older's. He wanted to be reassuring, to let Wonwoo know he existed, that the world was there and he was there. "I also don't want you to deal with the faces, with the whispers and the pity if your attempt fails," Jihoon said. "Please, I don't want you to feel worthless because you aren't. You mean a lot to all of us."

"Thank you," Wonwoo whispered and Jihoon closed his eyes to fall asleep for once. Hoping his words had meant something for the older because it meant a lot for him, to voice everything inside his head but even if it meant something to Wonwoo, because it did. It wouldn't change a thing. It was an unstoppable feeling, an idea that was engraved into his head, into his core and it wouldn't get away easily. He felt something was odd but he wasn't quite getting what part was that.

Wonwoo closed his eyes, falling asleep without leaving Jihoon's arms. The boy could be little but had a strong grip and he was holding him safely into a dreamless sleep.

His whole body felt numb and he smelled two different fragrances close to him. Wonwoo tried to move but it seemed he hit the wall. Wait, the bed wasn't against a wall. Wonwoo's eyes opened fast and widely, staring at Jihoon, softly snoring against his chest and when he moved his head he saw, just on the corner of his eye how Mingyu was clinging onto him, his chin pressed against his shoulder. Breathing softly against his neck and his arms holding, not just him but also Jihoon, making the grip extra tight on them. He tried to move but it was impossible. He stayed there, sandwiched between both of them, looking at Jihoon's brown hair. He looked younger. Maybe it was the idea of Mingyu close to him. Jihoon groaned angrily as he opened his eyes. It was a new sight of him and Wonwoo smiled. Jihoon only stared at him. It wasn't like he didn't remember how he ended up in the same bed as Wonwoo or how Mingyu ended up joining them too. It was a normal thing.

"Giant Baby," Jihoon said hoarsely and pinched Mingyu's arm. The younger yelled against Wonwoo's ear.

"Shut up you idiot," Wonwoo groaned in a deeper tone like usual. Jihoon pinched Mingyu's arm again with a wicked smile and Mingyu yelled again. Wonwoo moved kicking Jihoon out of the bed and then proceeded to do the same with Mingyu. He sat on the bed with a smile. Jihoon stood up and started hitting him but Wonwoo soon held him by the wrists, listening him swearing and when he saw Mingyu kneeling on the floor and staring at them. "What are you doing here?" Wonwoo asked and Mingyu smiled, showing his teeth and his canine.

"Well, I wanted to see Jihoon and Seokmin still had the key so I took it and came," Mingyu answered without erasing his smile, playful and childish. "When I got in I saw you sleeping comfortably and I joined," Mingyu confessed. "Jihoon kicked me from his side of the bed so I slept beside you," Mingyu said and stood. "I'm gonna go to my own room and take a shower."

Mingyu stood up and moved to leave a kiss on Jihoon's head before he left, humming tiredly.

"I'm gonna wait for Seokmin before I leave," Jihoon said as he moved to sit on the other bed. "Take a shower," Jihoon commanded and Wonwoo just found himself smiling. Honestly, tenderly, so himself as he had forgotten how it felt. He stood up and went to the bathroom, not worrying about clothing, just wanting the water hit his body, to feel fresh and new.

The shower was nice but he himself felt nice, as he hadn't felt in a while or at least, for so long lately. It was a good day and they had another shooting that day. The light was bright but it was kind, it wasn't too hot but enough to not need any jacket more than the outfits chosen for the photo shoot. They also got to record another video there and Wonwoo felt playful, joking around with Mingyu and Seungcheol. An honest laugh emerging from his lips all day long.

Wonwoo massaged his cheeks as they went back to the hotel to sleep and the next day they would go back to the dorms. Jun placed his head on his shoulder and Wonwoo rested over Jun's head.

"It was fun," Jun said slowly and Wonwoo chuckled at the tired sound of his voice. Dry but happy.

"It was," Wonwoo answered. "I think I missed to feel like this." Jun moved from his place hitting Wonwoo's chin and the older groaned.

"What does that mean?" Jun asked, there was a feeling in his voice, Wonwoo couldn't fully decipher it. Pain? Doubt? Pity?

"It was fun to be there," Seungcheol interrupted Wonwoo's track of thinking and he smiled.

"It was," Wonwoo said. "Poor Hansol," he said with a wicked smile, the boy turned from his seat to look at Wonwoo.

"I'll never forgive you," Hansol hissed, squinting his eyes and looking directly to Wonwoo's eyes, the older boy smiled but hushed Hansol away with his hand. The young boy hissed as he sat again.

"You'll do anything," Seungcheol commanded and Hansol nodded crossing his arms with a tiny pout. Wonwoo chuckled and Jun retook his old position. His head resting on Wonwoo's shoulder.

"I feel someone is hiding something," Jun mumbled in his sleep. Wonwoo stared at him but he could see Seungcheol looking at them. No one was hiding anything. They were just oblivious to the facts surrounding him. Everyone but Seungcheol and Jihoon.

The only thing that was hidden was Seungcheol's growing fear of losing a member. Not by removing him but the saddest way. For him, it felt like everyone forgot Jihoon's situation. For everyone but Mingyu. The one involved in it and now so invested in Jihoon he wasn't minding on being hurt.

Seungcheol watched Wonwoo's head fall and then get comfortable on Jun's head. The boy fell asleep and Seungcheol felt like breathing. The truth it was Wonwoo felt better, looked better and was doing fine. He was grateful for whatever Jihoon did the night before. Seungcheol was scared of many things. On how the things would unfold but also, not noticing when everything began. Jihoon was easy to know but he didn't notice. Sometimes he could hear Mingyu's scream in his sleep and saw Jihoon covered in blood but everything was a dream, a bad dream. Nevertheless, it felt like it could happen. One day he'll hear Mingyu's last scream of pain and will find Jihoon covered in blood. No matter how much Jihoon improved, no matter how much love Mingyu was providing him. It felt like it would end in a blink.

Seungcheol opened his eyes, finding Jisoo staring at him from the front seat.

"You're worrying too much," Jisoo whispered and Seungcheol turned to see everyone but him and Jisoo. "Everything will go okay," he said and moved his hand to reach Seungcheol's knee. "It will be a success." Seungcheol smiled bitterly. In how much pain would they need to be to fall into the pit? It was because the fans attention weren't directed to them or it was because they were too many? The answer skipped his trail of thoughts as he closed his eyes again. He dreamed of a successful life. They were all happy and no worries but it was just a dream and reality will hit him when he opened his eyes and found one member there, dead and guilt piercing his heart. He could have stopped it.

Jeonghan shook him into reality, the bus was empty and the boy looked tired and annoyed. He stared at him, blinking a few times.

"Get the fuck out of here," Jeonghan hissed and moved.

"How people can think you're an angel?" Seungcheol groaned getting out of the bus. Jeonghan smiled brushing his hair behind his ear.

"I don't know either," Jeonghan said bitterly, spitting the words into the ground. "Feminine and an angel, what a joke." Seungcheol laughed and moved from his seat to the exit, getting into the hotel, followed by Jeonghan. Seungcheol was selfish, he would think about everything the next day. He was too tired to worry.

Wonwoo was soundly asleep when Seungcheol got into his bed, not caring about anything but undressing. Hansol chuckled and Seungcheol groaned. His worries vanishing with the tiredness.

They woke up next morning. Wonwoo got ready before Seokmin was out of bed and was sitting on the desk, doing a little shopping on his laptop. Some books he really wanted to read. He finished and got everything ready and in the middle of everything, Mingyu came to the room, pulling Wonwoo into a tight hug. A hug that made Wonwoo's heart beat strongly against his chest.

Wonwoo pushed Mingyu away, groaning, "What's wrong with you?" Wonwoo asked annoyed trying to make Mingyu release him until he heard the younger groaning in pain. Mingyu's hands fell from Wonwoo's body, hiding it at his back and Wonwoo ignored putting himself to finish his task. Seokmin got out of the bath and Mingyu forgot about Wonwoo or it seemed like it. Mingyu glanced once in a while to Wonwoo. To see if the older was okay and he was.

There was a soft feeling inside him. There was warmness and Wonwoo felt calm, nothing in his chest or in his head. It wasn't an empty feeling.

Jun knocked the door and Seokmin answered as Wonwoo was sitting on the bed, reading a little before leaving the hotel. Jun got into the room and fell into the bed beside Wonwoo, the boy didn't turn to see him.

"Are you ready?" Jun asked and Wonwoo placed a piece of paper in between the pages.

"Are everyone ready?" Wonwoo asked and moved to place the book in his backpack.

"Yeah, just Jeonghan," Jun said and Wonwoo rolled his eyes.

"Let's wait downstairs," Wonwoo said taking his suitcase and backpack. Jun stood up and followed him. Before Wonwoo could leave Mingyu took his hand, squeezing it but said nothing and no one else noticed the subtle movement.

Mingyu was the warmest member in the group. He was soft and calming, he always cared about the others and did his best to make them happy. He always had a bright smile, well, most of the time. Nevertheless, Mingyu was an oblivious person and didn't alway get the mood. He didn't know when to not open his mouth or not get into a room when other members were discussing something. Yet, Mingyu was a complex person. Wonwoo had watched him, envied him. Mingyu was always the opposite of Wonwoo. Wonwoo was calm, quiet and so understanding, he always thought twice before getting into Seungcheol's room when he was there with Jeonghan. Both of them tended to argue and sometimes those arguments went into semi-violent occasions. They were good friends but Jeonghan was selfish, arrogant and stubborn.

There were secrets among them. They wanted to hide something from each other. The lead them to places where they couldn't ask for help or where no one could hear them. Jihoon was in that place. In the place where he screamed for help but no one heard him. Where he pleaded with his eyes and no one was able to see it.

All those thoughts about Jihoon disappeared from Wonwoo's head. Since it happened he had been on his mind and after that, he noticed how close Jihoon had been to Mingyu. To the person, he had been calling his best friend. The game changed after a while. Mingyu clung onto Jihoon and Wonwoo moved towards Jun. The older boy was always there, even with his lack of Korean, he was there to hear him, to support him and Wonwoo was enjoying his friendship. Mingyu was Mingyu. Mingyu was there for everyone.

Wonwoo was hearing a soft tune that was calming on the ride to the airport. Everything was soothing on the way home, the laughter, the talk, and Wonwoo felt like home, embracing the warmness the others were providing him.

They came home to keep working, rehearsing, planning things for their newest release and some kind of easiness had surrounded his heart for a while, making everything easy and the laughter was honest and his eyes glistened in happiness because he felt happy.

Happiness was surely overwhelming by itself, mostly after such inconvenient feelings he had been going through but, weirdly, everything became more bearable after their win yet, the feeling of surreality was there once again, in a different manner than before. Kinder, softer and actually, beautiful. He was drunk on happiness.

The world moved and revolved in a way no one could understand. Wonwoo was sitting on his bed, staring at the wall. The world spun but he was there, feeling like stuck in the same moment, in the same second and going backward. The door opened and Wonwoo jumped and looked at Hansol walking inside the room. Wonwoo stared at him but he wasn't actually looking at him.

"Is something wrong?" Hansol asked. "You have been there the whole morning."

"No," Wonwoo answered slowly. Hansol shrugged and moved to the closet to get what he wanted, without any further word he left. Wonwoo stared at the closed door and when he heard the sobbing. When his chest raised fast and it felt hard to breath, he noticed he had been crying. Wonwoo felt a heavy feeling against his chest. He opened his mouth trying to scream but he couldn't. His throat was dry, empty and any sound was willing to get out of there. Wonwoo cried in a strong manner, his hands going around his face. Slowly, testing the flesh, then he started to grip strongly against his skin, the fingertips, the pain was soft, kind. Nice. He tried to yell once again. Nothing came and he started to choke in his crying. His chest felt heavier and he changed his fingertips for his nails.

The nails were pressed strongly against his cheeks and went down, ripping the first layer of skin, leaving red marks he repeated the action. Then he moved his hands, pressing his fingers under his eyes, over the cheekbones and pressed his nails strongly there until his voice came back in a strong, throaty yell. The sound rang in his ears making him unable to hear when the door opened. Seungcheol came in, almost stomping on the door, he stared at Wonwoo for a few seconds before he moved to take Wonwoo by wrists, trying to stop him but it didn't go the way Seungcheol wanted, making Wonwoo dig even deeper into his skin and when the older tried to take his hands away, the nails ripped the skin off, making Wonwoo look as if he was crying blood.

"Wonwoo, stop," Seungcheol cried. His hands shaking over Wonwoo's wrists. He felt weak, he felt like he couldn't do anything right. First Jihoon and now Wonwoo. As he stared at Wonwoo's bloodied fingers he remembered what he tried too hard to forget. Everything became blurry. "Stop, please." Seungcheol heard a few steps, turning to find Mingyu, he saw how the young boy opened his eyes wide and ran towards them.

"Wonwoo," Mingyu said softly, kindly and the way he spoke scared Seungcheol as if he wasn't aware of the situation. Mingyu's voice didn't waver as much as Seungcheol's did. "Wonwoo," Mingyu repeated but Wonwoo's voice didn't stop from yelling, his voice didn't waver. Mingyu pushed Seungcheol away and placed his hands on Wonwoo's cheeks, caressing them. "Wonwoo, it's me," Mingyu said. "I'm Mingyu, everything's okay," he said but bit his lip as the words weren't the right ones. Mingyu looked at Seungcheol but as his embarrassment grew he also thought it was nothing to fear. Mingyu pulled Wonwoo's face closer, placing his forehead over Wonwoo's. "You're gonna be okay," Mingyu said slowly and moved his hands towards Wonwoo's neck, a brush of fingertips against the skin made Wonwoo shiver. "Won," Mingyu said happily a slight hint of honesty. Mingyu smiled. "Can you stop?" Mingyu asked. "Let's talk, do you want to talk?" Wonwoo focused and looked at Mingyu at his silly smile. Honest and warm. "Won, do you want to talk?" Wonwoo stopped to yell and stared at Mingyu. "I'm here for you," Mingyu said, looking at Wonwoo cry, the grip on his face wavering and fall into his lap. Mingyu moved to hug him. Another pair of arms came along. It wasn't Seungcheol. No, it was kind and soft, the soft flesh was slightly tanned and the feeling surrounding them wasn't acknowledgment but comfort. Jun was alway making everyone feel good, he was their comfort zone and Wonwoo loved him recklessly as he hid his face on Jun's shoulder.

Mingyu did his best to calm Wonwoo, making silly jokes and making small talks, barely followed by Wonwoo. The younger placed a few band aids on Wonwoo's cheekbones, laughing a little, a little contagious smile. When the older fell asleep on Mingyu's lap, holding strongly his hand as if he was afraid to get lost again, Mingyu moved from the bed and left. Wonwoo wasn't really too asleep and he half-opened his eyes and watched Mingyu leave and close the door behind him. The sound of talking was muffled, hushed and slow. They didn't want Wonwoo to hear.

Seungcheol was sitting on the couch when Mingyu left the room.

"Is he okay?" Jun asked and Mingyu smiled bitterly.

"As fine as he can be," Mingyu answered and walked towards Jihoon, slowly, carefully, he placed a hand over Jihoon's shoulder. A reassuring gesture by the man that was greatly welcomed by Jihoon.

"It's all my fault," Seungcheol mumbled and everyone turned to him. Seungkwan was the first to move, hugging him strongly but he didn't voice anything, not even a negative for Seungcheol's statement. "It's all my fault."

"It's all our fault," Jihoon said, stepping close to Seungcheol. "It's all our fault, we couldn't see it." Jihoon stopped for a second. "I couldn't see it."

"What are we gonna do?" Jisoo asked in a low voice almost whispering. Silence.

"What are we gonna do with him?" Jeonghan asked and everyone looked at him.

"What do you mean?" Jun asked, his voice shaking and a little higher than usual.

"We cannot have him here, not like that," Jeonghan hissed.

Jihoon stepped closer to the older, "so you want to throw him away?"

"It's not what I meant," Jeonghan retorted.

"It's what you meant," Jihoon hissed, raising his voice. "He needs us, we cannot just throw him away."

"I didn't mean that," Jeonghan said. "I didn't mean mentally," Jeonghan stuttered a little. "I meant, what he did to his face, what are we gonna do about it?" He said slowly and there was followed by silence making him blush, feel like he shouldn't. "I mean, at least you fuck up your thighs not your face."

"Stop," Mingyu cried. "Don't say it like it doesn't matter how he feels."

"Hey," Minghao said but before he could move, Soonyoung was hugging Mingyu.

"We cannot leave him alone," Jihoon said slowly and moved to sit beside Seungcheol. "I don't want it."

"At the end of the day it's not our choice," Seungcheol said and everyone looked at him. "We could hide Mingyu's shit and Jihoon's but Wonwoo, it's all over his face, it's have been written with his fingernails." He saw on the corner of his eye how Jihoon bit his lips and his hands pressed against his thighs. Seungcheol moved his hand to take Jihoon's.

"Are we gonna tell the manager?" Chan asked with innocent surprise.

"We cannot hide it as we did with Jihoon," Joshua said. "Even when we did, the manager found out."

"It's not up to us," Mingyu said. "Once the doll is broken it has to be repaired," Mingyu exhaled tiredly, moving to rest his back against a wall. "He needs help as Jihoon needed help."

"We've have been careless," Jun said in a low voice and everyone turned to him but Jihoon. "We saw he was getting bad but at the smallest sign that he was feeling right we forgot." Every one of them looked at the wooden floor.

"I don't know why we are feeling anxious," Seungkwan said snorting a laugh at the end. "Jihoon is fine now, being there doesn't mean nothing bad, it's natural and it will help him."

"Sometimes," Jisoo exhaled, a sad, lonely sound. "It feels like the world isn't nice," Jisoo finished. "I want the best for him, for all of us," Jisoo said and looked at everyone. "If someone feels bad, the best is to voice it. I don't want anyone else to get through that."

"Why are we so afraid to say how we feel?" Jihoon asked.

"We can talk about what's disturbing us about our teamwork but not about ourselves," Jun said slowly. "I don't know if it's selfishness or just simple stupidity," Jun said, raising his voice. "I love you, all of you so get yourselves together and voice everything. We can't be perfect, we're humans"

"It's not your fault," they heard in a slow tired sound. Wonwoo was leaving the room, hugging himself. "I don't blame anyone because there's none to blame." He walked even forward and his steps were soon followed by Mingyu who hugged him by his back and hid his face on his shoulder. It was a ticklish feeling but Wonwoo didn't want to fight against it.

"But we could have stopped it," Seungcheol said.

"You cannot stop the inevitable," Jihoon said in a low breath. "You don't notice there's something wrong until it's really late." Mingyu pressed Wonwoo stronger against his body. Wonwoo barely could sense it but he did, Mingyu trembled, he was afraid of his little memory.

"Until you hurt yourself... Or someone else."

"I think we need to deal this by ourselves," Jeonghan said.

"We can't," Seungcheol said, "for Wonwoo's sake."

"I want to feel fine," Wonwoo said. "I want everything to be fine."

"It will," Mingyu whispered and kissed Wonwoo's cheeks. "Soon, everything will be okay." Wonwoo moved his hands to take Mingyu's.

"I want to sleep, don't leave me alone," Wonwoo said breathily. Mingyu chuckled and released Wonwoo to take his hand and pulled him into the room.

"You should tell the manager," Mingyu said. "Jihoon, please," he said slowly and the boy smiled bitterly.

Wonwoo got into the bed first and waited for Mingyu, the younger boy smiled shyly as he lies on the bed beside him. Wonwoo took no time in hiding his face on Mingyu's chest and hug him. Falling asleep. There was an empty feeling. His chest hurt but Mingyu's arms made him feel safe and warm but it didn't change a single thing inside his head. At the end of the day, he was feeling the same, no matter how hard he tried to stop it.

Wonwoo woke up feeling recharged, something missing but not too bad. Bad but not too much. He moved from his place in the bed feeling the band aids and touching them. He walked towards the kitchen, Seungcheol and Jeonghan were arguing and when the youngest of them saw him he stormed out at Seungcheol's mid-sentence.

"Did I interrupted something?" Wonwoo asked as he went to the refrigerator to get something to eat.

"No, not at all," Seungcheol said with a smile. "Here, Mingyu made some food for you, he said you need a healthy diet to get better." Wonwoo smiled and took was Seungcheol was handing him.

"Thank you," Wonwoo said and the older stared at him for a few seconds before biting his lip. "I'm fine," Wonwoo answered the question that was inside Seungcheol's head. "Did you told the manager?"

"Yes," Seungcheol said. "I'm gonna meet him in a few hours, he said that if you were calm  everything would be just fine at least for now."

"I'm sorry," Wonwoo mumbled, slowly and he stuffed his mouth with food.

"No reason to blame yourself," Seungcheol said placing his hand on Wonwoo's. The younger smiled and kept eating in silence.

It was comforting. Yet sometimes, the silence in the place was unbearable. Wonwoo sat on the couch and looked on his phone, nothing to actually do but to see some videos and check some lyrics. Looking for some inspiration.

"Hey," he heard and moved his face from his phone to look at Chan and a package in his hands. "It came for you," he said and handed the package, Wonwoo stared at it for a few moments.

"I don't remember when I ordered this," Wonwoo said as he opened the package with a pen, he could sense how the younger tensed looking at him. Wonwoo stared at the red cover. Flowers and a butterfly. White letters marked the title and the author.

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" Chan asked as he read Stephen King on the cover. "Horror books, I don't think it's a good idea." Wonwoo chuckled.

"It's the best kind of books to read when you're feeling bad," Wonwoo smiled as he caressed the cover. "Once you read one of his books," he said and looked at the younger. "You'll the most horrific thing in them is how humans tend to behave and in every one of the there's romance written on it."

"If you say so," Chan said slowly and walked away. "I'll still tell Seungcheol to keep an eye on you." Wonwoo laughed.

"It's fine," Wonwoo said and stood up to go to his book pile and took the latest book he read and opened it to take the bookmark but stopped when he read the poem written on the pages he let it back on the pile.

He walked away towards Jihoon's room, the room in which he installed some small equipment to keep working in there. He opened the door without knocking. Inside was Jihoon, sitting on Mingyu's lap, bandaging Mingyu's hand, blood pouring from the bandage and their laps were already stained with blood. When Mingyu saw Wonwoo he tried to hide his hand but Jihoon stopped it.

"It happens once in a while," Jihoon said as he finished bandaging Mingyu's hand. "Do you want anything?" Jihoon asked moving from his spot on Mingyu's leg to sit in a chair.

"A bookmark, I've got a new book." Wonwoo showed his book.

"I don't have any," Jihoon said and moved to face the computer screen and took his headphones.

"I'll find something," Mingyu said as he took his arm softly and Wonwoo noticed he had been staring at Jihoon for a while, making him blush.

"Don't think anything weird about him," Mingyu whispered when they left the room and closed the door. "Sometimes he's too stressed and I'm too annoying," Mingyu said.

"You like it," Wonwoo said and Mingyu looked at him in surprise but then he smiled shyly and walked away from Wonwoo.

"I don't like it but it puts him in a slightly better mood and he doesn't feel the need to cut himself." Mingyu moved around the living room walking towards his shared bedroom and disappeared from Wonwoo's sight for a few minutes before he got back with a book in his hands. "I haven't used it in a while, keep it," Mingyu said as he handed him the book.

"You haven't finished reading it," Wonwoo said as he took it and opened it.

"I started it two years ago, I doubt I'll keep reading it," Mingyu said with a smile, "If you want it, keep it," he said and left him. Mingyu walked out of the dorm. Wonwoo stayed there and sat on his bed to read.

The time flew as he read, as he passed the pages on one free day for him, he couldn't leave the dorm as Seungcheol has signaled when he got out, he couldn't look like he was looking and they have looked if they could hide it but it was too obvious. He couldn't go to the company. The door opened and Jun got inside, falling into the mattress beside Wonwoo.

"It's boring without you," Junhui said and Wonwoo chuckled and closed his book, as soon as the younger boy had placed the book on his lap, Jun took it. "Isn't this Mingyu's?"

"He gave it to me," Wonwoo answered and took the book and stood up from the bed. "What time it is?" Wonwoo asked making Junhui chuckle.

"Two in the morning," Junhui answered happily and kneeled on the bed, leaning forward to take Wonwoo's book. "And as I can see, someone spent the whole day reading a book," he said mockingly, looking at the bookmark. "Did you eat?"

Wonwoo blushed slightly and took the book again, tapping the cover with his nimble fingers, "I didn't." Junhui laughed and took the book again, tossing it on the bed before getting out of the bed and taking Wonwoo's wrist.

"The boys are getting out on the company, they asked me to take you there, they want to eat together." Junhui pulled Wonwoo, moving his hand to Wonwoo's hand interwinding their fingers, making the younger blush. "Are you feeling fine?"

"Yeah," Wonwoo answered and he released Jun's hand. He walked on his own, leaving Junhui behind. The older followed humming happily. There was a feeling on him, about Junhui, about how soft he was but it felt different from Jihoon's softness that was filled with understanding or Mingyu's softness that was mostly compassion and full of love -for everyone-. It wasn't scary but it was different and made him feel different.

Junhui stopped Wonwoo and turned him around to place a mask in his face and tried his best to hide the bandages but it was just below his eyes, over the bone it was hard but he tried his best. Smiling and whistling. Wonwoo stared at him and saw in his eyes, that bit that felt different. Junhui, by any means, was seeing him with a different light. To Junhui, Wonwoo was the same he met a few years ago when he got in the company, he was the Wonwoo who liked silly and unfunny jokes and lived to read a good book on his free time. A human that sometimes felt bad and sometimes needed a tight hug and be pampered and that by any means, his wounds would mean he needed to be treated differently as if he was hurt or broken but just the person he was.

"Let's go," Junhui said. Wonwoo followed him in silence as the older made sure no one could see them. They went inside the building and walked towards the practice room, the food was already there and when Wonwoo got inside felt like he didn't belong there. The feeling grew when he was welcomed by a sudden silence when he sat on the floor. He took an untouched box and took food to eat as always. Junhui sat beside him as Wonwoo took his mask, the older frowned a little.

"What?" Wonwoo asked annoyed as he started to munch his piece of food. Mingyu stood up and moved to take Wonwoo by the arm, the older fought against it.

"It's bleeding again," Mingyu said slowly and Wonwoo stopped from moving. "I'm gonna change the bandages," Mingyu said as he slowly moved his hand towards Wonwoo's hand, comforting him, the older nodded and followed Mingyu, looking back to glance at Jihoon who had taken the opportunity of everyone's distraction to get more food, making Wonwoo giggle.

Mingyu guided Wonwoo towards the bathroom and then left to get the first aid kit.

"The manager said they're gonna take you to the hospital first thing in the morning," Mingyu said as he placed antiseptic on Wonwoo's wounds, the crescent moons looking brownish.

"Why?" Wonwoo asked frowning a little when Mingyu pressed the cotton against his skin.

"They just want to be sure it won't leave a mark," Mingyu answered when he finished, looking at Wonwoo. Wonwoo moved his arms to place it around Mingyu's, the younger got closer, placing his hands around Wonwoo's waist.

"Thank you," Wonwoo whispered pulling Mingyu closer and he rested his forehead on Mingyu's shoulder. They stayed in that position for a few minutes, until there was a know in the door making them jump and fall apart.

"Are you still alive?" Soonyoung asked, a soft mocking sound in his tone. Mingyu laughed quite loud and moved his body away from Wonwoo, the older shivered and felt like he missed Mingyu's warmness. The sound that he was about to let out, a whimper, loud and needy was stuck on the back of his throat as he watched Mingyu leave the room. He turned to the mirror watching the red color of his cheeks barely leaving the lowest part of his bandages. Wonwoo saw Soonyoung poking his head inside and he stared at him in the mirror. "What were you doing?"

Wonwoo smiled, "honestly?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung said poking his pinky out. "Honestly."

"Comforting," Wonwoo answered as he turned to see Soonyoung directly, the other frowned as he didn't believe making Wonwoo laugh. "I don't think I'm mentally prepared to be in a relationship," Wonwoo said as he signaled his bandages. "Is some food left?"

"Yeah," Soonyoung said with a smile and covered Wonwoo's shoulders with his arm pulling the boy closer. "He was defending the food as if it was his own son." Wonwoo laughed loudly, a loud laugh that broke the silence and softer as always, a smile that light up the world.

Wonwoo sat on the floor and took a piece of chicken, still smiling. A fluttering feeling bubbling inside him. He ate beside Mingyu, the younger making silly jokes and telling him what happened before he arrived. When they finished they cleaned up and the other rehearsed the song. When they were close to the door, Mingyu took the bags from Wonwoo's hands and went outside. Wonwoo waited for him at the entrance and when Mingyu got inside again Wonwoo moved to take his hand. The younger said nothing. Wonwoo released him and they went to the practice room. Wonwoo joined them.

It felt like home. The humidity in the room, the slight smell of sweat and the way his body moved, smooth and fast until he couldn't move a limb again.

Wonwoo hissed out loud and he could hear Minghao and Junhui giggling. Mingyu got closer and pulled Wonwoo away, without even saying a word and Wonwoo followed him. Mingyu pulled him into the bathroom, cleaning Wonwoo's face first, taking out the sweat. Wonwoo placed his hands on Mingyu's waist, pulling him closer. Mingyu giggled and kept doing his job. He put antiseptic on Wonwoo's wounds. When he finished he let Wonwoo hide his face on his chest and he caressed his back.

"You make me feel fine," Wonwoo whispered against the fabric of Mingyu's shirt.

"Jihoon always says the same," Mingyu said slowly. "I like being needed and help." Mingyu moved to push Wonwoo away from him and moved his hands to caress Wonwoo's face, he hadn't bandage them, he passed a finger over the crescent moon, slowly, to not hurt Wonwoo, the older stared at him in awe. "You're wonderful."

Wonwoo smiled, "finish your job." Mingyu chuckled and bandaged the wounds, this time, placing a band-aid carefully. Wonwoo smiled and pushed Mingyu away to leave the bathroom, glancing back at him. Mingyu smiled as he cleaned everything up. "Do you love him?" Wonwoo asked carefully, Mingyu stared him through the mirror.

"I do," Mingyu answered and he finished cleaning up, turning to see Wonwoo. The older bit his lip and Mingyu smirked. "Not like that." Mingyu smiled and moved towards Wonwoo, the older stepped back. "I love you too and I love Seungcheol, Hansol, Seungkwan, Soonyoung and all the members." Wonwoo laughed and walked towards the resting room, Seungcheol was sitting on a table with a cup of coffee, frowning.

"Did Seokmin made it?" Wonwoo asked as he sits in front of Seungcheol. The older smiled.

"Jeonghan," he answered. Wonwoo laughed. "We're gonna stay here," Seungcheol said and Wonwoo stopped laughing to look at him. "Mingyu, leave, I'll take care of him."

"Have good rest guys," Mingyu said and started to walk away.

"Before you leave, can you make me a coffee?" Wonwoo asked slowly, Mingyu turned smiling widely and nodded.

"For me too, please, Jeonghan sucks at this," Seungcheol said as he pushed the half-empty cup away from him. Mingyu chuckled and moved to the expresso machine. The place filled with silence, broken by the sound of Mingyu's humming and the machinery. The smell was strong and soothing making Wonwoo smile.

Mingyu placed the cups on the table and Wonwoo smiled at him. "Here, enjoy it," Mingyu said looking at Wonwoo and when he moved, he placed his hand on Wonwoo's cheek making Wonwoo blush but the older didn't move. "Get it easy," Mingyu mumbled and he released him.

"Sleep tight," Wonwoo said as he watched Mingyu leaving but before the opened the door someone opened it. Junhui got inside, panting a huffing.

"Wait for me," Junhui said as he placed a hand over Mingyu's shoulder and walked towards Wonwoo, he placed the book on the table. "For you to read," Junhui panted and without saying anything else he went to Mingyu, both of them walked away, talking, joking lightly. Wonwoo looked at them as the disappeared and then at the book on the table, half-way to the end.

"Isn't that Mingyu's book?" Seungcheol asked as he took the book, opening it and passing the pages, not even trying to look interested in it.

"He gave it to me," Wonwoo said. "He said he never finished it and he doubts it he would so he gave it to me."

"He had read it at least four times," Seungcheol said. "He loves it," he said and left the book on the table and took the cup. "I think he secretly wants to be a pirate," he finished with a smirk. Wonwoo giggled but the sound stopped suddenly as he placed the hand on the cover, reading the title. Wonwoo moved his hands to open the book and keep reading it as he drank his coffee. Seungcheol stayed in front of him, playing on his phone, groaning time to time with his earphones on.

Wonwoo changed the page and took the cup, taking a small sip from it, finding the cup empty, he placed it on the table with a groan as he kept reading the book, he finished the chapter sighing.

"Are you done?" Seungcheol asked and Wonwoo looked at him from his book, blinking fast making Seungcheol chuckle.

"I am," Wonwoo answered and the older nodded taking the cups and getting up from his spot to put the cups in the trash can, Wonwoo followed him with the eyes.

"Come," Seungcheol said and Wonwoo stood up. "We're sleeping in the recording room, the couch is big enough for both of us."

Wonwoo moved slowly, following Seungcheol, blushing slightly. When they got into the recording room, the light was off, Seungcheol turned it on, the light was yellowish, warm and for some reason made Wonwoo fell uncomfortable, he got into the room and sat on the couch, taking a pillow to hug. Seungcheol moved around to get a pair of sheets, one for Wonwoo and one for himself. He sat on the other end, resting his back the armrest and placed a pillow on the side of his head, resting it on the back of the couch, covering his body with the sheet.

"I was supposed to stay alone," Wonwoo said as he imitating Seungcheol's position, his feet hitting Seungcheol's legs.

"Yes," Seungcheol said and closed his eyes. Wonwoo moved to open his book on his lap, already covered with the sheet that was a little warmer than he expected. "But I didn't think you should stay by yourself."

Wonwoo closed the book and looked at Seungcheol, the older was breathing slowly.

"The thing is I don't need a reminder of me being broken," Wonwoo said as he caressed the cover. "That's what drove Jihoon to the end," Wonwoo said. "After Mingyu, everyone reminded him he wasn't okay, that he was a problem, that maybe he couldn't be fixed and fell to a pit in which he started to cut his thighs and get that overdose." Seungcheol looked at him, the pillow fell into his lap. "Everyone is broken in their own way, Jihoon feels the world is over his shoulders, he feels he needs to show you he's worthy. Mingyu feels he's just a pretty face and needs to show you he is indispensable for the team. Jun thinks he doesn't have anything to give the team and it's drawing us down, he also thinks that being gay would backfire us one day. Jeonghan is scared, he thinks no one wants him and this is the only thing he has and he doesn't want it to fall apart. He wants to keep us together but he doesn't actually know how and one falls he thinks everything is going to fall through, he's anxious about it, he thinks one day he'll wake up and find himself alone. Hoshi overworks himself but tries his best to not let anyone see it and that would backfire him as it did Jihoon as it did with me. Most of us cry until we fall asleep because we felt everything could end that day if we do just one bad thing. You feel like everything is your fault like you're responsible for what happened to me and what happened to Jihoon but that only makes us feel worst." Wonwoo stopped, taking a deep breath. "We are all scared and broken, I honestly didn't know what happened it just did."

"Is Jun gay?" Seungcheol asked making Wonwoo bite his lower lip.

"Don't tell him I said that he'll kill me," Wonwoo said and moved to put the book on the floor and stood up to turn off the light. He moved in the darkness, hitting his knee on the couch making Seungcheol laugh.

"I never knew, any of that," Seungcheol mumbled.

"You worry when something happens not before," Wonwoo said and he got comfortable in the small space he got on the couch. "You wait patiently but people are different, Jeonghan always tells you what is happening in his mind and Jisoo too but we're not the same. Some are scared, the time they voice everything it becomes real."

"Who are you?" Seungcheol asked. "Are you scared?"

"I'm not scared to voice what I feel," Wonwoo said slowly. "I just feel, no one cares. I feel that I'm walking alone, that everyone's worries are far from me and not even close to being me like they don't care and that they have plenty of reasons to not care about me, about my selfishness."

"You're not selfish," Seungcheol said. "Everyone cares about you," Seungcheol said as he moved to be on top of Wonwoo. "In their very own ways."

"I know," Wonwoo said as he moved to hug Seungcheol under his arms, pulling the older close to him. "It's just, no matter what I do, I cannot take the idea away from my head, it's stuck there, sometimes I just want to take out my brain to feel good, I'm tired of feeling like this." Seungcheol placed his arms around Wonwoo and moved to sit, hugging the younger tightly.

"You can trust us," Seungcheol said. Wonwoo chuckled.

"Sometimes, I felt, I just needed a good hug, a pat on the back or a kiss," Wonwoo said slowly. Seungcheol pushed Wonwoo away and placed his hands on Wonwoo's cheeks, pressing them together, making Wonwoo pout and then, he got close to him, slowly, until he pressed his lips over Wonwoo, a little peck that didn't last even a second. Seungcheol felt Wonwoo's saliva on his lips and groaned making Wonwoo laugh. The older released him.

"Like that?" Wonwoo snorted a loud laugh making Seungcheol blush.

"You call that a kiss?" Wonwoo asked without stopping his laughter, pushing Seungcheol away from him. "I didn't mean that," Wonwoo said, "I meant, the way Mingyu kisses me or Jihoon or whoever needs that." Seungcheol stared at him, Wonwoo could see the glint of his eyes making him know he wasn't understanding. Wonwoo moved and took Seungcheol's hand, placing a kiss on the back and then on his palm. "Like that." Wonwoo moved to proceed to kiss Seungcheol's forehead. "It's soft, a nonromantic kiss," Wonwoo said and looked at Seungcheol. Wonwoo saw, even in the darkness that Seungcheol was blushing. Wonwoo smiled brightly and got closer to him, placing his forehead on his shoulder.

"This is awkward," Seungcheol said as he held Wonwoo tighter.

"Just forget it," Wonwoo said slowly feeling like melting in Seungcheol's arm. Big and warm.

"I kissed you," Seungcheol said in a low voice and Wonwoo opened his mouth to say something. "I just felt like I wanted to do it." Wonwoo chuckled. "Don't misunderstand it..."

Wonwoo moved and placed his lips over Seungcheol's a soft, almost unnoticeable touch.

"Don't think about it," Wonwoo said. "It's nothing, it doesn't have to mean anything."

"Does it mean something?" Seungcheol asked. Wonwoo smiled.

"It means you care," Wonwoo said.

Seungcheol moved his hand to take Wonwoo's, "we all care, buddy," he said making Wonwoo laugh.

"Calling me buddy doesn't change the fact you kissed me," Wonwoo said laughing. Seungcheol hit him on the chest and moved to lie on his side of the couch, Wonwoo groaned but kept laughing.

"I don't know how Mingyu does it," Seungcheol said as he covered his body and put himself comfortable.

"He loves him," Wonwoo said. "He said he loved him, that's why it's so easy for him." Wonwoo moved to get comfortable and hit Seungcheol's legs. "He said he loved everyone, nothing to worry about," Wonwoo mumbled as he closed his eyes. "He loves everyone," he repeated to himself as he fell asleep. Seungcheol looked at him, he watched Wonwoo fall asleep. He moved once again and closed his eyes. Wonwoo's feet were warm and made him sleep even more comfortable than he thought he would.

Seungcheol was woken up by his manager. Wonwoo was long gone.

"We're leaving," the manager said and Seungcheol nodded scrubbing his sleepy eyes. When he turned to the door he saw Wonwoo, fully dressed, hugging Mingyu's book. His cheeks slightly red under the band aids. He turned and Seungcheol watched him disappear.

Wonwoo was wearing a cap and a mask, overall, his glasses even if it hurt to wear them, he read in the traveling to the hospital, the silence was being comforting. When the sound of the engine stopped Wonwoo looked to the front and then towards his manager. He smiled slightly and got out of the car, leaving the book on the seat. He walked behind the manager, following him. They walked around unnoticed. They sat in the waiting room. Wonwoo tapped his legs nervously as the time passed and people got called.

"Shouldn't go to a private clinic?" Wonwoo asked.

"Maybe," The manager said with a soft smile. "People don't see you too often here, they're too worried to see or care." He said and Wonwoo nodded looking at people come and go. "I'll go with you to the dermatologist but you'll go alone to the psychologist," the manager said in a whisper and Wonwoo sighed in relief.

When his name was called Wonwoo stood up followed by his manager who gladly took Wonwoo's shoulder making Wonwoo smile with the touch. Wonwoo felt like a child.

"Hello Mr. Jeon," Wonwoo heard as he looked at a young woman bowing at him. He bowed slightly without saying a word. "I'm Doctor Lee, what brings you here?" She asked in a slow voice, soft and warm, Wonwoo opened his mouth but nothing came. He looked at his manager.

"We want to make sure a few wounds don't leave scars," Manager Kim said and Wonwoo took his mask off. The doctor looked at him.

"I'm gonna take them off," she said slowly. She moved to the small room getting a cotton ball, soaking it in alcohol. "It might sting a little," she said as she walked towards Wonwoo. She pressed the cotton against the bandage, mostly the edges. The coldness made Wonwoo frown. She placed the cotton in a tray and she moved her hands to take tweezers and pull the band-aid. Wonwoo groaned. "I'm sorry." Doctor Lee kept pulling the band aid and with her free hand took the cotton ball, pressing the cotton on the skin as she kept pulling the band-aid, making it a little easier to take off, repeated the same process with the other side.

Her hands were cold making Wonwoo bite his lower lip to not groan. She stared at him intensely and he saw her slight frown.

"How you did this?" Doctor Lee asked as she released him. "Did someone did it?"

"I did," Wonwoo said.

"The wounds will heal without leaving a big scar, but those are too deep to have made it yourself."

"I did it, with my nails," Wonwoo mumbled and showed her his hands. Nails not too big but unpolished.

She stared at him before talking again, "it will be slight, I'll recommend you a cream to make it heal faster and another one to fade out the scar," she said and sat on her chair and tapped the keyboard. "Is it the first time it happened?"

"Yes," Wonwoo answered and he drowns himself in some thoughts, was it the first time? The printer sound made him come back to the reality as the Doctor handed him the prescription. "There's nothing to worry, I'm gonna treat that too." He took the paper and Manager Kim opened the door for him "Thank you very much."

"I'll see you in a month to see how that's going, you don't need to keep bandaging them," she said. Wonwoo smiled and took his mask.

"Thank you," Wonwoo said as he walked out, a small smile plastered on his lips. They walked around the hospital.

There were a faint antiseptic smell and something he called fake cleanliness. It was noisy but calm, the sound seemed far and soothing. He stopped to see people walking and he felt alone, buried in between million people, drowning in them, like he was nothing and his pain meant nothing.

A strong grip made him back to the world, he turned to see his manager. He took a deep breath and cleaned the sweat from his forehead.

"This way?" Manager Kim said and he moved, Wonwoo followed but when he turned to follow him, he saw with the corner of his eye, a couple, she had a small fragile frame and cried while a man hugged her tightly.

It was a flash, he didn't saw them for more than a second but he felt the world crumbling around them and that was the world for everyone. A crumbling space where they were the only ones left. He kept walking, slowly until he was greeted by a sudden silence and felt the air heavy. Worries hitting his body but mostly, he was getting scared. Afraid of himself, of his thoughts. He walked and sat in the waiting room. All people looked like him, except, perhaps, the wounds in his cheeks and the mask and maybe, also, the weight of another twelve people, his future and his over his shoulders. What would happen if he gets to leave them? Would everything go fine or would everything fall through?

His thoughts raced to a place he didn't want to go.

"Are you nervous?" Manager Kim said in a soft voice making Wonwoo regain his normal breathing and see what it was in front of his eyes. He heard his name being called out and he stood up. Manager Kim took his hand briefly and for a second Wonwoo wished it could be Jihoon, taking his hand, giving him comfort. He needed that bit of understanding but not the pity.

Wonwoo walked towards the door, being greeted by a nurse, he smiled faintly and closed the door behind him. The room was different from what he usually saw in movies. It was only a chair, not a couch of any kind. There were her desk and a computer, but also, a paper, she was holding a pen, looking at him.

"Jeon Wonwoo, right?" She asked kindly and Wonwoo looked at her a few moments.

"Yes, nice to meet you," Wonwoo said bowing.

"Park Jimin," she said with a faint smile. "Nice to meet you." She said as she looked at the paper in her hands. "I'm gonna ask you a few thing before anything else, is that okay?" She asked and Wonwoo nodded. "Don't be nervous." Wonwoo chuckled at the words as he kept his hands tightly pressed on his lap. "Tell me about your family," she said, looking at him but Wonwoo's eyes were on the piece of paper and the pen tapping on it.

"My mom, dad, and little brother," Wonwoo answered and raised his eyes to meet hers.

"Do you live with them?"

Wonwoo looked at her and reality hit home, "no, I don't."

"Where are you living? Are you living alone?"

"Well..." Wonwoo said taking a deep breathe, "My parents are from Changwon and I'm living here," he said slowly, looking at her writing on the paper.

"Are you living alone?"

"No, I'm not," Wonwoo answered.

"With who are you living? A friend from Changwon?"

"I'm living with twelve people," Wonwoo said and started to move his hands. "People I met here."

"Do you still talk with your parents?" She asked and Wonwoo saw her writing on the paper.

"Once in a while," Wonwoo answered, "when I'm free or have a little time I'll call mom."

"You have requested the appointment, is there any reason in particular?" she said, looking at Wonwoo, she stared at him intensely, trying to read him.

"It was my manager, didn't he mention why did I need the appointment so fast?" Wonwoo asked and tried to glance at the paper, she didn't move nor tried to hide her writing.

"No, he didn't," Doctor Park said with a reassuring smile.

"Self-harm," Wonwoo answered taking the mask off, he felt slightly light.

"Something you would want to talk about?" Doctor Park asked. "About how you feel."

Wonwoo stared at her, not knowing what to say or if he should say something at all. Silence.

"Is it hard to live with twelve people?" Doctor Park asked as she pressed her pen on the paper. The question took Wonwoo by surprise and smiled.

"Not at all," Wonwoo answered chuckling. "It's just sometimes stuff is not enough, and Mingyu tends to eat everything so barely any left food or the hot water when you're in the middle or the end, you end up with just cold water and more if Jisoo is showering first."

"You like being with them?"

"I do, they're fun to be with and it's warm and cozy being in a house full of laughter," Wonwoo said smiling, tapping his thighs with his fingers.

"But there's something bothering isn't it?"

"It's not them if you're implying them," Wonwoo said. "They're good people, full of love and passion, they're their own people, they never did something bad and less something to hurt me, everything is on me. I know it's all in my head but I cannot stop the flow of thoughts in my head." He started to play with his hands once again.

"What thoughts?" A slow tone and Wonwoo could hear the faint pity in the voice.

"I'm alone, I'm drowning and falling."

She looked at Wonwoo for a brief moment. "Why?"

"I don't know," Wonwoo answered. "I don't know why I feel like that I just feel like that. Like I can't breathe ant there was no one there to help me get to the surface and I fall and fall and I want to keep breathing but it's hard, it feels hard to keep going, to keep living with that feel on my chest." Fast scribbling, Wonwoo moved to see what it was been written but he couldn't understand what it was written in there.

"When did you started to feel like that?"

"I don't know, suddenly I realized I was drowning and that I was alone."

"But you aren't alone," Doctor Park said, "but you know that right?"

"Yeah," Wonwoo said bitterly, his nails digging into the skin of the back of his hands. "I just cannot stop the flow, I know everything is a stupid idea engraved into my head and no matter how much I try it's still there."

"Do you enjoy being with them?"

"I do," Wonwoo answered without thinking too much.

"Be honest, right here, you aren't bound to anything, you don't need to deal with them if you don't like someone, but you need to say it, be honest with yourself. Do you enjoy being with them?"

Wonwoo smiled slightly. "Will this stay between us?"

"Yes, it will," she said as she placed the pen on the table, interwinding her fingers, giving her full attention to Wonwoo.

"It's not easy, there are many people and every one of them has problems and worries. Some more slightly than others but we have something to worry. It's overwhelming." Wonwoo said, moving his hands, squeezing his knees. "It became more overwhelming because I know they're worried but they aren't worried about how I feel but about what I could do. They're scared that I would do something stupid." He took a deep breathe. "After Jihoon they're scared someone gets to the same point." Wonwoo saw how the Doctor was trying his best to not take the pen.

"Who is Jihoon? Would you like to talk about him?" Some tapping over the paper, a rustling sound, and a thump. Wonwoo hesitated but there was something in him that made him want to talk about him. Every pore of his body craved him. Wonwoo craved Jihoon in ways he wasn't even sure to be understanding.

"Jihoon is a friend, we're living together," Wonwoo said. "A band mate, a coworker and the most stressed person I know," Wonwoo said slowly. "He's a warm person and really caring even when he tries his best to not let people now about it and he tries to be supportive and understanding even when he's breaking and probably the most broken from all of us."

Doctor Park took her pen and started writing on the paper as Wonwoo thought on what else to say. There were a few seconds of silence as Wonwoo thought and she waited for him to know what to say.

"Why is he the most broken?"

"He tried to suicide," Wonwoo answered. "We found him when he passed out and we called an ambulance, they did a stomach pumping," Wonwoo said he stopped moving his hands and he stared at them opening and closing it. "When I saw him, when Seungcheol started yelling that day I told myself 'I'll end up the same' and I understood him, why he did it, even now I sometimes feel pity, even when he's feeling better I feel he should have died there as he wanted, it's still hard to him." The pen against paper, scribbling, scratching the paper. Wonwoo's eyes were fixed on his hands as he moved them as if they were foreign to him. He wasn't recognizing his own body.

"Did it affect you? Did that make you change?"

"I didn't change, I realized something," Wonwoo said and he looked at him shyly, "I was like him, in my own way but I wasn't that brave but I knew it since that moment that I wanted the same."

"You said Jihoon was stressed, what made you think you were the same?"

"We were burdened, different kind of burden but we were, he was burdened by the debut, by our work to make us shine and keep us going forward I was burdened by almost the same and because I felt I was outcasted."

"I feel there's something else, something that got you preoccupied."

"No one seemed to care," Wonwoo said and moved his head to see everything in the room, tapping his legs. "No one seemed to care until Jihoon was unconscious on the floor and the Doctors said it was an overdose and he was lucky to be alive, I knew he wouldn't be glad when he saw everyone's face, he would desire death even more. They were worried but they were pitying him. I'm not gonna say that I noticed before it happened because I thought the outcome would be another one since Jihoon is quite violent most of the time."

"You thought he would react violently," She said as she scribbled on the paper again.

"Well yeah, everything began when we were working, Jihoon and Mingyu were talking about some lyrics alone in Jihoon's studio and suddenly, we heard Mingyu screaming and whimpering, when he opened the door Jihoon was holding Mingyu's hand on the desk as he pressed a pen into the hand, it was an intense smell as blood kept flowing from his hand, I still think there's still a blood smell in the studio or maybe is because Jihoon never stopped hurting Mingyu. I couldn't do anything that time but everyone became scared of Jihoon, it was a reason but they never saw the tears when he realized what he did, he felt so ashamed and guilty he glued to Mingyu, he pampered with love and now they're inseparable." Wonwoo took a deep breath. "Jihoon cut his thighs, everyone knows by now but I was the first to notice, Mingyu always tried to keep the sharp thing out of his reach, pain makes him feel alive."

"How you know that? Did you talk with him?"

"No," Wonwoo said. "It's obvious, you just need to know how to read people."

"Isn't just you making this up to make yourself feel better about it."

"I know them, I have seen them, I have been with them for years," Wonwoo said, clenching his fists. "Jihoon told me he didn't want the same for me. The pain and the looks that came after an unsuccessful attempt. I think he was the only one who noticed how I felt even before I did." The scribbling sound and he looked at her, he was frowning and his nails were digging his palm.

"You want to end everything, in which measure?" The Doctor asked. "Is it that you feel burdened and you want to get away from everything you have been through?"

"What?"

"Your mental state comes from a thought of you falling, the things aren't bad, you are good there, with them but yet you feel like everything is breaking apart as if you're looking for a reason to get away from it." Wonwoo could hear the sound of the pen hitting the desk resonating on his ears. "Maybe you just need rest for a while." She looked at Wonwoo, and draw a smile on her lips. "You're scared about leaving them."

"In this business, no one is so important, I'm worried that if I leave they won't need me anymore."

"It should be scarier for you that your state pushes them to throw you away." She said. "Your mental health affects you but it does the same for them," she said as she moved to move a few things on the computer. "I think it will be good for you to spend some time with your family, also, you'll find easier to go to your appointments in Changwon."

"Appointments?" Wonwoo asked, tilting his head.

"Once a week for two months," she said, "I think you'll find the change a little reassuring." She looked at Wonwoo and smiled at him. A warm soothing smile. "Don't worry, I believe they would be there for you at the end of the day."

"Psychologist?" Wonwoo asked, his voice shaking a little.

"Psychiatrist," she answered and Wonwoo heard the printer working. "Don't worry, it's not bad, it's just in case you need medication, it will be the same as this. You should call here to make your appointment."

Wonwoo leaned to take the paper Doctor Park was handing him, "thank you."

"I would like to talk with your manager," she said with a smile. "I want to give him the instructions, he has to take care of you."

"Do I have something?" Wonwoo asked as he looked at the paper.

"I would need a few more sessions but overall anxiety and a growing depression are what can I see," she said and moved to look at Wonwoo. "Nothing to worry, everything will be fine."

Wonwoo stood up and moved to his manager, the man stood up when he saw him approaching and Wonwoo signaled the door and he went inside again, followed by his manager.

"Good day, I'm Park Jimin," The Doctor introduced herself taking the manager's hand. "I wanted to talk with you about Wonwoo," she said and Wonwoo moved his hands squeezing his tights.

"Is he okay?"

The Doctor chuckled, "as good as a boy in his situation could be," she said. "He's gonna be good, don't worry, I want him to go home, take slight vacations from work to be able to attend his appointments with the psychiatrist," she said handing him the same paper Wonwoo was holding.

"In Changwon?" The manager asked as he stared at the name and numbers in the paper.

"I think he needs a time away from his friends," she said, "he needs time alone, to think to get some fresh air, and it would be less overwhelming if he needs to take pills. It will be once a week for two months or as long as the psychiatrist thinks."

"It doesn't seem like a bad idea," Wonwoo said. "I have to lay low for a while."

"We'll gonna discuss the Changwon thing," Manager Kim said. "Thank you very much." Manager Kim got up and Wonwoo followed him.

"Thank you, Doctor," Wonwoo said bowing and walked behind his manager.

The ride home was silent as he stared the paper.

"Do you really think it is a good idea?" Manager Kim said and Wonwoo looked at him.

"It would be nice to see my parents," Wonwoo answered. "Not that I want to run away, it's just, it would be the best for me and the others," Wonwoo smiled bitterly. "For a while at least."

"Why? I feel you would be better with them."

"They're tired, stressed, anxious and me there would add another thing to worry about, so the best it's if they don't see my aftermath from the pills," Wonwoo said. "It's a good idea, my mom would be in charge to take care of me, of my medications."

"We'll see and tell you, we'll take in mind your wishes, it's your health after all." Manager Kim parked and Wonwoo looked at him with an honest smile.

"Thank you," Wonwoo said as he got out of the car, mask on his face, book in hand and he walked towards their dorm.

When he got inside, Jun was there with Soonyoung, the older one giggled, red cheeks as Soonyoung kept talking and joking around. Soonyoung glanced at him by the corner of his eye and saw Wonwoo, walking inside the room silently.

"Hey dude," Soonyoung said with a smile. "How was spending the night with Coups," Soonyoung said and Wonwoo saw turning his head slightly, to see his reaction. In Wonwoo's mind there was nothing wrong on what they did, just talked and slept on the same couch but Jun's inquiry eyes made him feel otherwise, making him blush at it.

"Oh," Jun exhaled making Wonwoo get another shade of red. "Something happened."

"Shut up Jun," Wonwoo hissed. "Which room is empty I want to finish this book." Wonwoo showed the book to them.

"Jihoon is in your room, maybe waiting for you so better go there." Wonwoo nodded and moved towards his room, suddenly the dorm was too big and the walk to his room seemed to never end and something inside him wished it was like that but then, he was there, taking the doorknob watching Jihoon sitting at the edge of the bed, playing with his fingers.

"Hey," Wonwoo said, making Jihoon look at him, the younger seemed to breathe after holding his breathe for a while. "Soonyoung said you seemed like you wanted to talk with me."

"How it went?"

"Fine, I guess, it seems I'm leaving to Changwon," Wonwoo said as he walked to sit beside Jihoon, the younger turned to see him with wide eyes.

"Why? Are you leaving? Are you leaving me behind?" Jihoon asked rushing every word one after another. Wonwoo moved to take Jihoon's face between his hands. Taking his face in between his hands.

"No, no," Wonwoo said. "The Doctor said it was the best for me, to have some time off and some fresh air."

"Why did you agree?"

"You should know it better," Wonwoo said. "I don't want to deal with their looks, the frowns the feeling of them hating me, worrying about me."

"I think the best is you staying here," Jihoon said pressing Wonwoo's hands strongly against his face.

"No, the best is that I get to think freely what I'm gonna do," Wonwoo said. "I want to stay but it will be a burden for all of you," Wonwoo said as he moved his hands to take Jihoon's hands on his own. "Mingyu will be here and take care of you." Jihoon snorted a loud laugh and held Wonwoo's hands strongly.

"We'll miss you," Jihoon said smiling.

"It'll only be two months," Wonwoo said reassuringly. "And it isn't decided yet." Wonwoo stared at him at his eyes filled with unshed tears and the question slipped through his tongue against his will.

"How it was for you? How you deal with it?"

Jihoon throw him a reassuring smile, full of comprehension making Wonwoo smile.

"It takes time," Jihoon exhaled slowly, pushing himself closer to Wonwoo, "and you are never fine, you just get okay and that's enough, as you can stop overthinking about it is enough."

"And that desire of dying... Fades away?"

"No, it stays forever, it never goes away but as long as there's one person that makes everything worth, is enough. Do you have someone that worth all the shit you're going through?"

"Yes," Wonwoo answered and Jihoon looked at him the question of who, stuck on the tip of his tongue but too ashamed to ask. "It's you," Wonwoo said making Jihoon blush and cling onto him, hugging him strongly, almost taking all his breath away.

The door opened abruptly and Jihoon pushed Wonwoo away from him, making him fall from the bed. Jihoon stared at Mingyu who went from him to Wonwoo on the floor but he didn't ask anything at all. Jihoon stared at how Mingyu pulled Wonwoo out from the floor.

"Thank you," Wonwoo said, rubbing his arm, staring at Mingyu's silly smile.

"Was Jihoon hyung being sweet?" Mingyu asked, chuckling.

"A little soft if you ask me," Wonwoo answered smiling, looking at Jihoon's red tinted cheeks. Wonwoo moved closer to the younger and hugged him strongly against his chest too much of Jihoon's complaint. Jihoon freed himself from Wonwoo's embrace, panting, his face looking redder than it should.

"He's leaving us," Jihoon claimed to signal Wonwoo, the older sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Is that true?" Mingyu asked and Wonwoo could see the pain drawn on the younger's eyes.

"Don't say it like I'm gonna be gone forever," Wonwoo retorted looking at Jihoon and the tiny, almost imperceptible pout on his face.

"They didn't do that to me."

"Have you seen my face?" Wonwoo claimed as he took off his mask and signaled his face.

"I tried to kill myself," Jihoon said. "I was on the verge of death and they didn't make me leave you, any of you, why it has to be different with you," Jihoon said, his voice breaking little by little.

"But we didn't saw it every time we lied eyes on you," Wonwoo said, "that's the difference, the Doctor told me it was the best for me and I agree with the fact it would be even easier to get into appointments if I'm in Changwon."

"I cannot keep an eye on you in Changwon," Jihoon said. "It would make me anxious not knowing how you feel."

"You don't need to feel anxious about it," Wonwoo said reassuringly as he pulled Jihoon closer to him. "I'm gonna be with my parents and it's no like we won't be able to call each other or talk, you can keep some tabs on me if you really try to," Wonwoo said smiling and moving his hands to press them on Jihoon's small waist, pulling him even closer. "Also," the older trailed making everyone in the room to look at him, "it's better like this, you won't worry too much about me and how I am doing, I mean, you were worried in the first place and I ended up like this anyways, it would make you feel less burdened and guilty if something happens."

"It won't," Mingyu said as he sat beside Wonwoo, moving his hand to surround Wonwoo's waist, making the older blush at the touch, warm and overly comfortable for him. "If we aren't able to do anything we'll feel burdened anyways and even more guilty. What's the real reason for you to agree with it?"

"I want to know if I want to stay," Wonwoo said slowly and he felt Mingyu's touch falter for a second before holding him even tightly making feel the younger's fingers against his skin. Jihoon moved a step backward. "I don't know if the best thing is to stay here if I'm feeling the way I am feeling."

"Why?" Jihoon exhaled moving and kneeling in front of him, taking his face in a caring manner as Mingyu rested his cheek on his shoulder, pressing himself closer to Wonwoo.

"It's not you, it's within myself," Wonwoo said. "I might not be able to change the way I feel because everything is in my head and I don't want anyone being drawn into it with me, maybe the best is for me to take a break from the group and clear my head, maybe if I take some time off, everything will be good after all."

"Is overwhelming, doesn't it?" Mingyu said against his neck. "Being with so many people and sometimes feel like you cannot fit in." Wonwoo smiled turning his head and placing his hands on Mingyu's cheeks.

"You are amazing," Wonwoo said, breathing over Mingyu's lips, the younger smiled widely.

"So you are, hyung," Mingyu said, without erasing his smile from his face. Jihoon coughed making Wonwoo laugh, the older pulled him closer, making Jihoon sat in his lap, his hand resting on Wonwoo's nape.

"Everything Will go well," Wonwoo reassured.

"I need you here," Jihoon said almost pleading but everyone present decided to ignore the tone of Jihoon's voice.

"You're gonna be fine and so do I," Wonwoo said and without having any second thought, he moved his hands to pull Jihoon's face close to him, pressing his lips against the younger's lips. It was something soft and a fluttering touch for Wonwoo. Jihoon didn't move and neither Wonwoo, their lips kept pressed together for a few seconds, Mingyu's hand gripped on Wonwoo's waist, Jihoon pulled away first and Wonwoo could feel his cheeks burning.

"I want it too," Mingyu mumbled and Wonwoo was sure he was pouting. Wonwoo turned his face, meeting Mingyu's lips over his own. There was a different feeling in it, soft and warm, a little sloppy as the younger moved his lips over Wonwoo's. Mingyu pulled himself apart with a silly smile.

Wonwoo stared at Mingyu when the younger had released his lips. Looking at his goofy smile and his sparkling eyes. It wasn't a new scenery. Mingyu often smiled like that, he always looked like that, yet it felt different. It was something unexpected and it made him blush. Jihoon moved to press his forehead on his shoulder and Wonwoo moved his face to see him, the younger moved his head to look at him and it felt close. Both of them felt close to him. Too close he could kiss any of them. Wonwoo looked at them, at the way they looked at him and he chuckled nervously.

"Please be sure you're gonna come back," Jihoon said against his neck and Wonwoo shivered at the sensation.

"It's not like I want to be gone, I need to think, I need to understand myself and everything else," Wonwoo said, pressing his hands strongly on Jihoon's waist.

A knock on the door and then, the sound of the doorknob. Jihoon jumped out of Wonwoo's lap.

"Guys, what's happening?" They heard Seungcheol's voice and Jihoon moved to open the door.

"Nothing's happening but I think you need to talk with Wonwoo," Jihoon said as he stood beside Seungcheol. "Mingyu, come here."

"Let's repeat it again," Mingyu said mockingly and Wonwoo pushed him away from him, making the younger laugh loudly as he walked to follow Jihoon, closing the door behind his back.

"What does he mean?" Seungcheol asked and Wonwoo smiled.

"Nothing, did you wanted to talk with me?" Wonwoo asked.

"Yeah, how it went?" Seungcheol asked and Wonwoo could see the faint blush and the nervousness drawn on his voice.

"Fine," Wonwoo answered. Looking at Seungcheol's eyes and the way his hands moved.

"Jihoon said I should talk with you, are you not telling me something?"

Wonwoo bit his lip, "The Doctor suggested I should go back to Changwon," Wonwoo said looking how Seungcheol's eyes opened in surprise.

"You disagreed with it, doesn't it?"

"I agreed with it, why are you so against of it?" Wonwoo asked, raising his voice.

"Have you ever thought about us? About how we would feel if you suddenly walked out of our life even if it's just temporary?" Seungcheol asked, raising his voice, his hands closed into a fist and his body shaking.

"Every goddamn moment," Wonwoo answered in the same manner, "I think about how all of you would feel but it doesn't matter how you feel, it matters how I feel, how every second I break and even further from where you want me to be," Wonwoo said, tears starting to come out of his eyes. "But thinking about all of you is what put me in here, I'm not thinking and I'm not seeing the same that you see, not what you want, not even what I want." Wonwoo started sobbing, his hands closed into tight fists. "I need to be alone, I want to be alone but I don't want it either, I need you all of you, every single one of you but the more I need you the more I think I should just be gone, forget everything and run away." Wonwoo started crying strongly, his chest hurting and making him hard to breath, taking long and strong breathing with his mouth opened.

Seungcheol stared at Wonwoo, at the broken man in front of him, crying, pleading him to make everything stop. Seugncheol moved, getting closer and hugging him, pressing the younger close to his body, pressing Wonwoo's head against his shoulder, making the younger cry louder and harder. His body tensing. "We love you," Seungcheol whispered. "We want to help you, it feels like your don't trust us."

"I don't trust myself," Wonwoo confessed making Seungcheol hold him stronger.

 

"I'll accept whatever you think is the best for you," Seungcheol said as he moved his hands to rub Wonwoo's back. "We'll gonna wait for you but no matter what, you can always count on us."

"Thank you," Wonwoo said as he tried to push Seungcheol away but the older held him even stronger against his body making Wonwoo chuckle awkwardly.

"Is it official?"

"Not yet, they would talk about it and make a decision," Wonwoo said and Seungcheol released him. "Should we tell the others?"

"Not until is decided." Wonwoo nodded and moved away from Seungcheol, walking towards the door. "What were you doing with Jihoon and Mingyu?"

"Talking," Wonwoo answered without having any second thought. "What else we could be doing?"

"Don't know, you tell me," Seungcheol said smirking.

"I want to be polite hyung but," Wonwoo trailed. "It's none of your business." Wonwoo smiled and left the room. Things felt different and the idea of leaving felt wrong at some flash moments.

The decision was deliberated for a few days, in those few days Wonwoo started to doubt, to feel reluctant but when he got to know the decision he felt relieved, for an unknown reason.

 

Wonwoo was waiting for his bus to arrive and leave to Changwon. The place was noisily calm. You can hear the chattering from other people but it felt tranquility in all of that. Being surrounded but not overwhelmed for once. He was listening to music as he stared at the screens, waiting for Changwon appear when a sound distracted him. His phone beeped and he took it out from his pocket.

 

 **From:** _Minggu_

_Hyung, I miss you, hope everything goes well._

 

Wonwoo smiled and felt everything was silent for a few seconds and everything began to ran smoothly. Changwon was called and he stood up. Feeling less empty than ever. Leaving was a good decision after all because he felt more loved than before, he knew that when he came back, he would be greeted by twelve pairs of arms hugging him tightly and not letting him breathe and he knew he was going back to his house but his home was with all Seventeen members.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I began writing this story because I felt bad, so I asked if it would be a good idea to write about how I felt, people told me that some people can't talk about how they feel so they usually write it and I did. It felt good and it was the hardest thing to do, open myself to stuff like this but I also wanted people to understand how hard it is for some people to voice their feelings and how empty they feel and how other people make them feel so they can help them, support them. I tried to be everything non-romantic and I hope I could make it clear.
> 
> Honestly, mi depression is really low, my therapist said so, I'm good for now since my depression came from a medication. Anyways, the reason I started to do this because someone I trusted and loved turned their back to me even when I told it I had depression, so this is for some to understand to never do that if you really care for someone because it only makes them feel worse and fall.
> 
> I want to apologize if something is off and inaccurate. It's based solely on my experience and in my own thoughts, so it could be different for each person but the thing it should be accurate it would be to support. Supporting people actually helps them, sometimes just asking how they did on the day, make them feel everything could be fine.
> 
> Thank you very much for reading this.


End file.
